In my case it's the former. Years of dicking around in my undergrad, happily wasting my time and money playing Warcraft instead of attending classes has left me with a massive chip on my shoulder, a GPA chasm to crawl out of, and a disfigured shadow that I've spent the past two years trying to step out of. The trouble with the past is that no matter what you do after that, it's always there. It doesn't change. It doesn't leave. It's like a ghost, frozen forever, with just enough energy to keep on your tail and hover in front of your mind whenever you let the world around go quiet.
That is to say, that it's annoying.
What's worse is that it's usually us who have made our respective pasts. We are the end result of the cumulated decisions we've made in contemplation, reflexes we've... reflexed in moments of urgency. We are as we have made ourselves. For ill or good, pride or shame, we are as we have sculpted us. There is no one to blame, especially if you live in such a situation that you can read this, our lives have been shaped by our decisions as final actors in the choices we make.
That's enough of that.
On to me. My life. The reason I make this blog is for peace of mind. This is my (generally) anonymous therapy. A place to vent, a place to plan, a place to put things down on the off chance that someone else actually reads this and maybe finds some bit worth reading contained herein or hereafter.
I make this blog because I was a failure. Not just in letters on paper, but as a human being. I chose not to make the most of my capabilities. I chose a path that had me fail an entire semester's worth of classes due to a sick combination of "I don't care" and "I'd rather." I made decisions that hurt me. I put myself into a respectability deficit, if such a thing can be comprehended. I. Me. Myself. I did it to me.
All said, I graduated University. I graduated on paper. I even have the paper. It is framed. It stands prominently on a shelf. But when I look at it, I feel no sense of achievement. Graduating with a GPA hovering around 2.5 is graduating after a fashion. (Graduating with a social science degree... well... simply put, knowing what I know now, Political Science would not be my degree of choice. [Nothing wrong with social science, it's just not for me.])
What does one do with that? Having something that thousands of people strive for, fight for, spend their whole lives working towards, a degree from a well respected University; and all I can do is look at it and feel shame. Even now, even having earned it, I know didn't deserve it. I'll always know that, that being the past and all.
What, then, was I to do? What was a human being to do?
I don't quite recall when, but I found myself at a choice. Certainly there wasn't a lot of work for a Political Science bachelor but there was some. I could have easily slipped into the glories of minor clerical work or retail. I could have put my head down on my pillow and quietly waited for the end. I had a decision to make. "What do I want to be?" "How do I want to be remembered?"
"Am I satisfied?"
No.
I can do a lot of good. I can help a lot of people. I have good hands. I have a good head on my shoulders if I just use it. I can make the most of me. I told myself, "I can still make the most of me." And like a worm crawling out of the dirt and into the rain I thought, "This isn't so bad."
I can work hard. I can study again. I can rebuild myself to an ideal brought forth from the forge of my mind. I can make myself the best damn human being I can be.
